


Going Home

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars, Music RPF, mus
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-27
Updated: 2011-07-27
Packaged: 2017-10-21 19:43:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/229027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Going Home

I knew that he was gone the moment that I opened my eyes. Everything hurt, every part of my body, my mind even, but most important my heart. “Why won’t he wake up?” I heard my brother ask, my heart breaking a bit more at the fear there in his voice and yet I closed my eyes and allowed the darkness from before to swallow me whole again.

“Shannon…you need to eat something…get some sleep” I heard the next time I woke, recognizing the voice as Tim, Shannon’s lover. I wanted to call out to my brother, wanted to let him know that I was alive, although I felt more dead then alive, but again I did nothing. I didn’t want to be alive anymore knowing that the man that I loved was no longer in my life and so once again I closed my eyes and disappeared into the nothingness.

“You have to come back to me Jared” I heard the third time I woke, unwilling to open my eyes because I still wasn’t ready to face the reality I knew was waiting for him once I did. “It’s been weeks Jared…it’s time to wake up. Please baby brother…I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I miss you so much…we all do” I knew that Tomo and Tim were in the room as well, even though I couldn’t see them through my closed lids. I fought it for as long as I could, but at the splatter of wetness I felt on the arm my older brother was holding; I knew that I had to come back to life as much as I could with my shattered heart.

“Shannon…” I tried to speak, my voice rough and heavy as I opened my eyes, quickly closing them again at the bright lights presented to me.

“Jared…Jared…Jesus fuck…you’re awake” I heard Shannon holler, my eyes still somewhat out of focus as I watched the rest of my band mates gather around the bed.

“He’s gone” It was nothing more then a statement, tears dripping past my ears and onto the pillow my head laid upon when no words were spoken by the men in the room, but the sadness and pain in three sets of eyes telling me all I needed to know.

“I’m sorry Jared” I looked to my left as Tomo reached out and took my hand into his.

“Yeah man…I’m so sorry” Tim was next to speak as he stood next to his lover.

“I want to go home” I ignored them both, instead focusing on my brother. “I just want to go home”

“Jared…you just woke up. Maybe you should just stay for a few more days” I heard Tomo say, but again I ignored him as I stared at Shannon.

“Please…I just want to go home” I was too exhausted to say anything else as I closed my eyes and fell asleep once again.

“I think that you are making a huge mistake” I heard a strangers voice speak as I opened my eyes and saw a man in a white coat speaking to my brother. “He’s had a traumatic experience and lost his lover. I recommend that we keep him here for at least a few more days and then we can release him”

“You said all the test were normal and his injuries are nothing major. He wants to go home…end of story. We’ll be there for him whenever he needs us and if anything happens we’ll make sure that he gets back here pronto” I couldn’t help but be thankful at the determination in Shannon’s voice as I closed my eyes yet again and waited until I was told I could leave.

“Jared…maybe you should come and stay with us” Tim said as we drove towards the home that I shared with Brent for the previous couple of years. “I don’t think that you should be alone this soon”

“No…” I said plainly, staring out the window, closing my eyes as the pain in my chest got worse the closer we got to my home.

I heard them whispering in the hallway as I laid in the bed that Brent and I used to sleep in, but I didn’t care about what they were saying when all I wanted to do is just curl into a ball and once again lose my way into darkness. I tried not to think about the day that the man that I loved, the man that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with took a bullet meant for me and ended his life forever.

It started out as any other day as the two of us drove to our favorite restaurant for an early breakfast to be followed by some errand running. I had been warned before hand not to leave the house without the body guard the police and my agent insisted I hire, but I didn’t heed their concern that day as we left before he even got out of bed. Weeks prior our home had been broken into, the invader an eighteen year old kid who claimed to be head over heels in love with me. He had been stalking me for nearly a year before that though any means he found possible and yet it hadn’t affected me much. That all changed the moment that he broke into our home and tried to kidnap me at knifepoint. Luckily Shannon had been there and had been able to overcome him, knocking him unconscious while we called the police. I hadn’t even known he was out of jail until that morning, the morning that he changed the entire course of my life.

“He’s sleeping again” Tim whispered from the doorway and I didn’t correct him as I kept my eyes shut and continued to recall the nightmare. We had just finished eating breakfast and were heading back to my car when I saw him. He had a look on him that I can only describe as crazy as he stalked up to us, screaming at the top of my lungs as to how much he still loved me, but that I had pushed him to far and now it was time to pay. I wanted to scream at him and tell him to get a fucking life, but Brent stepped up to him instead and asked him to leave. I felt relief as he seemed to take Brent’s advice and turned to walk away, but it all turned to horror when he spun around once again screaming how much he loved me before reaching into my pocket and pulling out a gun. Everything fell into slow motion as he rushed towards me, gun pointed right at my chest. I closed my eyes and waited for the hail of bullets to come that I was sure was going to end my life, crying out in fear when I heard the gunshots. My eyes were closed for only a split second as I wanted for the pain of the metal to rip through my chest, the only thing hurting being my head as I was shoved to the cement at our feet. People were screaming and running in all directions all about us as I tried to figure out what had happened as I looked at my chest and found nothing that I would have expected from gunfire.

“Brent…” I cried out in absolute fear as I looked around and found him lying a few feet away from me, his chest ripped open and raw, with blood gushing everywhere. “Brent…No” I cried out again, crawling to his side as fast as I could. “No…no…NO…NO” My cries got louder when he didn’t respond to me. “CALL AN AMBULANCE” I screamed, placing my hands over the wounds in hopes of slowing some of the blood escaping his body, my own blood being shed a second later as a bullet ripped through my shoulder. I pushed past the pain exploding there as I once again placed my focus on the man that I loved dying before my very eyes.

“I love you” I saw his mouth say, the sounds never reaching my ears because of the damage the bullets had caused to him. Commotion seemed to be surrounding me as I watched the very life disappear from his eyes as I pulled him into my arms and tumbled headlong into pitch black nothingness.

I guess I must have finally fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes again it was dark in the room and yet I knew I wasn’t alone. “Do you need anything?” I heard my brother ask, but I didn’t answer him as I curled back up into the ball I was becoming accustomed to being and fell back to sleep. “It’s been two days Jared…you need to eat” I heard next as I opened my eyes once again, squinting at the sunlight smacking me in the face.

“Close the blinds” I said, trying to roll over again, but a hand on my shoulder stopping me. Tears blurred my already blurred vision as a severe pain rode up my arm and into my shoulder. I didn’t cry out though, pretending that the pain in my arm wasn’t as sharp and severe at the pain in my heart as I looked up at Shannon’s troubled face.

“You have to eat something and then if you want to go back to sleep you can” He said, his face haunted as he sat down on the bed beside me as I struggle to sit up. I really didn’t want to eat anything, but I hated what this is doing to him as I allowed him to feed me the simple vegetable soup he has gone to the trouble of making. I slept off and on for days after that, only getting up to use the bathroom, shower and eat whenever Shannon forced me to. Over a week later I demanded that he take me to the cemetery where Brent had been laid to rest. He was reluctant at first, but as expected he caved and did my bidding like he always had in the past.

“His mother forced us to proceed with the burial ceremony” He said as we stood in front of an elaborate grave maker, his name glittering in a tacky gold color upon it. “She didn’t want to wait for you to come out of your coma” He went on to explain, but in truth he didn’t have too because I already knew of Brent’s mothers hatred for me and the love that was shared between me and her son.

“He would hate this” I nodded to the grave stone because as much money as Brent had, he was never one to flash it or spend it one such frivolous things. “Please promise me that when it’s my turn that you replace this monstrosity with something tactful that has both of our names on it”

“We’ve got plenty of time for that Jared” He replied, nervousness to his voice that made me look up at him. “You can change the headstone once you are recovered and feeling up to it” He looked away because I knew that he could already read in my eyes that it was a task that he was going to have to perform without me.

“Can I be alone for a few minutes Shannon?” I asked, seeing a look of relief on his face as he hurried towards the car and left me alone. “You must be turning over in your grave about now over this” I smiled sadly as I sat down on the still fresh mound of dirt, running my good hand through the fine chucks of dirt and pebbles. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to stop her” I looked at the grave stone again, unable to feel anything when I knew that I should be feeling unbridled anger for Brent’s mother taking away my right to be there as my lover was buried. “I’ve felt nothing since you’ve died” I whispered, still playing with the dirt. “I’m just going through the motions because you’re not here with me anymore” Tears began to cascade down my face. “I’m so sorry that this had to happen to you…so sorry that my career brought this upon us and destroyed everything. I miss you so much Brent…so much” My breath was ragged as I cried so hard that I couldn’t keep up with the sobs that wretched from my empty soul. “Thank…you…” I hiccupped a few moments later as I finally pulled air into my lungs, my tear threshold increasing as I leaned forward and placed my hand over his name. “Thank you for saving my life…but I wish that you hadn’t. I wish that I could have died with you that day because I’m dying every so slowly here today. I can’t do this Brent…can’t live in a world without you in it and I know you understand what is about to happen next. I love you” I whispered quickly, pulling myself up off of the ground as I heard Shannon approaching.

“Are you ok?” He asked, but I could tell that he didn’t really want to hear the answer as I gave him an affirmative nod, looking at the fresh grave one more time before we took our leave.

“I’m tired…I’m going to go and lay down for a little while” I said the moment that we entered my home, not waiting for an answer as I walked up the stairs towards my room.

“Ok…I’ll wake you up in a few hours to eat” I didn’t acknowledge him as I entered the room and closed the door behind me. I pondered taking that nap I had talked about, but I forced myself to stay coherent enough to start what I should have started several days before hand. “Did you sleep at all?” I heard Shannon ask hours later as he walked into my room with another bowl of vegetable soup.

“No…” I replied as I sat in a chair next to the window, staring out into the back yard.

“Do you want to take some of your pain pills before you eat?” He asked as he sat the tray on the bedside table, opening one of the many pill vials there as well.

“No…I need to talk to you” I said as I turned to face him, watching as my line of sight fell to my lap and the stack of envelopes I held there.

“You need to eat” He ignored me as he reached down and picked up the bowl.

“Shannon…listen to me” I said more firmly, watching as he put the bowl down in defeat before falling onto the bed.

“I don’t want to have this conversation Jared” He said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he locked eyes with me from across the room.

“I’m dying Shannon” I spoke the truth as I fingered the ring on my finger that Brent had given me several years before hand after we had exchanged vows on a beach in another country because we weren’t allowed to marry in our own..

“The doctor said you were fine. All your tests came back good and it’s just a matter of time before your shoulder and arm heal” He rushed out, his eyes wide as he struggled to breath.

“I’m dying of a broken heart Shannon. No test is going to show that” I said matter of factly because the truth was since Brent had died I felt myself literally dying little by little with each day that passed.

“What would Brent think if heard you say that?” He switched tactics, but nothing was going to detour me from what I had to say.

“He would understand because just like me he wouldn’t be able to survive without me in his life as I can’t without him in my. We’re soul mates Shannon. One can’t function without the other”

“And what about me Jared?” His words got louder as he stood up and began to pace around the room. “How do you think it feels to hear you say that you don’t want to live anymore…leaving me here all alone once you are gone”

“I’m sorry if you think that I’m trying to hurt you Shannon…because you have to trust me when I say that it is breaking me to know that I am with what I am about tell you” I said, my slowly dying heart hurting at the pain staring back at me, but I went on because I knew that I had to. “As for being alone…you’re not alone Shannon” I got up and walked over to him, taking his hand and leading him towards the bed. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I knew you were going to be left alone…because regardless of what you might think I really do love you. You’re my big brother and you’ve been there for me ever since we were kids. You can never know how much it meant to me that you gave up your entire life to move here to California to be there for me. I wouldn’t be able to do this if I didn’t know that Tim was going to be there for you after I am gone”

“I don’t want to have this conversation Jared” He said again as he tried to get up, but I stopped him as I wrapped my good arm around my neck and pulled him close.

“You have to let me go Shannon. Tim’s a good man and he loves you so much” I smiled for real for the first time since the incident as I pulled back and looked at him. “Marry him the first chance you get Shannon…don’t ever let him go. Gay marriage is about to become legal and I know that Tim will make you happy and you him”

“Jared please…” He was crying then and it hurt me to know that I was making him sad, but I knew I had to say what I had to say before my time with him ended.

“As you know when Brent died he left everything to me. I’m now leaving everything to you. You will have enough money that you and Tim won’t ever have to work again if you don’t want to and you have to know that that alone makes so happy. I want to do that for you…for him. I’ve already ordered the grave stone that Brent would have really wanted…all you have to do is add my name when the time comes. I don’t want a huge service once I am gone…just something between friends and family. Please don’t grieve for me too long Shannon” I made him look up at me, my tears matching his own as I gazed into his eyes. “Be happy and know that I am happy because I will once again be with the man that I love. Promise me that you will move past my passing and focus on your life with Tim”

“What do I tell them…Tim and Tomo?” He asked, wiping at his face.

“Just tell them that they were the best friends a guy could ever have and that I loved them very much. I’ve put a little something aside for Tomo as well…so he and Vicky can start off their lives together. I’ve also written a letter to each of them…please give it to them after I’m gone” I said, holding out the letters and official documents in my bad hand.

“When will this happen?” He asked, closing his eyes and crying even harder.

“I don’t know” I held him again, realizing for the first time since we had started our talk about how much I really was going to miss him. “I can go to a hotel room so you don’t have to see me if you want”

“No…I want to be there with you” He sobbed, wrapping his arms around my waist as together we cried over our loses.

“Are you sure?” I asked, sliding back so I could look upon my face.

“Yes…I’m sure” He replied and I could tell that he meant it. “Now eat” He demanded as he wiped at his face again before reaching for the bowl beside us. I smiled again at how silly it was that he was forcing me to eat before my passing, but I didn’t say a word as I allowed him to feed me, proving once again what a great older brother as he had always been. “I love you Jared” I heard him say much later as we laid on the bed next to each other.

“I love you too” I smiled over at him, closing my eyes because I knew that my time with him was coming to a close. I wasn’t sure how I was going to die, but I knew that Brent was going to be there and I wasn’t afraid as I placed my trust in him as I had for the near thirty years he had been in my life. I felt exhausted as I allowed the darkness to consume me, only to jerk my eyes open at a bright light and a hand upon my hand. “Shannon…” I cried out as I opened my eyes and saw the man who owned my heart and soul standing before me. “Brent…” I whispered, allowing him to help me from the bed before I rushed into his arms, a warmth surrounding me that I had never felt in my time alive.

“Took you long enough” He smiled that crooked tooth grin at me, a grin that I loved to see on his face constantly when we were alive.

“I had to make sure that he was going to be ok” I replied, turning around and looking down at the bed before us. “Do you think he’s going to be ok?” I asked as I watched Shannon holding my dead body in his arms as he cried softly.

“He’s going to be just fine” Brent said with such assurance that I knew it would be true as I silently said goodbye to my brother before turning back to the man that I loved. “I’m scared” I told him the truth because I had no idea what was waiting for me now that I had left the real world behind.

“Don’t be scared JJ” He smiled at me, leaning over and kissing me softly. “You’re with me again…home…right where you belong”

And I wasn’t afraid anymore after those words because I knew that he was right. Brent was my home and being with his was the only place I ever needed to be and would be for the rest of eternity.

The End…


End file.
